I’m home. The roommate is off doing some wonderful thing. The daughter is at work. I’m in shorts, bare feet, eating honeydew melon. My two small dogs are playing on the floor near my feet. I have all of the windows open. The ocean breeze is making a blissful trail through my front door, across the living room, meandering past the kitchen and the dining room, only to find its way to the backyard. The door there is wide open, and I can smell the freshly cut grass and the trimmed bamboo and flowers. The gardener paid us a visit today. The infiltration of the pumpkins in the rocks around the patio is going like gangbusters, and my great big pumpkin has friends now. I can hear the faint sound of traffic on the I-5….faint enough so that it sounds like air blowing through the tallest of pine trees. I can hear the instrumental, Zen-like music I have on. I breathe in and out to it….sometimes I stop typing and close my eyes, listen, and allow myself to feel. Feel everything. No walls. No concerns about perception. No judgments. Do you see that? Do you?
I am…………AT PEACE.
Five months deep into my new life, and I am soaring. The uncertainty of month number one is gone. The depression of month number two…..a distant memory. The frustration of month number three. Cured. Month number four came and went like a lion and here is number five.
It does get better. Here I am, a living, breathing, thriving testament to every man or woman out there who is going to, or who is doing, a DO OVER. I made huge strides this week. I let myself be angry, and I let myself not always take the high road, just once….but it felt good to express what I had been burying. Trying to keep things nice, that’s me. But I have feelings too, darn it! 🙂 and they matter….they matter so much.
Things I realized this month:
- Reggae music is not what I expected and it’s muy bueno!
- Diet soda still gives you a fat ass, so don’t drink it
- I am excited about a stupid pumpkin growing randomly in my yard
- I really need my quiet time, and my space
- Hugging is the best thing ever….well, right after kissing
- I can take care of things that need it…..like changing my funky, space age windshield wiper blades
- Beach sand in my car is inevitable, stop fighting it
Yeah, it gets better. My two favorite words right now are True and Love. Not for true love. BORING.
True, because in five months, I quit living a lie and pretending to be happy. True, because we have one life here….one. It’s mine. True. It’s how I want to live my life. How can you really know who you are, what you like, what makes you sing, what makes you smile, and what you will and won’t settle for, if you do not live a life true to your own heart, your own soul…..your own unique being? You can’t. True.
Love. It’s my favorite thing. Ever. There is no equal. Sometimes, I feel so much love that it has no place else to go. It spills from every crack in my heart and I cry. Love. So deep that to try to change its composition is painful. Love. It’s cliché but it does make my world go around. It’s the yellow flower in my hair. It’s the creme brulee creamer in my morning coffee. It’s the wind tossing my hair when I drive. Love.
Only five months in. What a difference. There is still hope for me.
To change ones life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly.
– William James