Another Mother’s Day approaches

I have tried not to think about it.  I even lied and told my daughter the other day I didn’t know when it was, because I was trying not to think about it.  Here comes Mother’s Day, and with it, all the radio spots for spa days, all the newspaper ads for discounts on dinner or on flowers, and all the commercials about spoiling Mom on her special day. “Call your Mom”.

I can’t.  I can’t call my Mom.

This will be my 3rd “M” Day without her.  I won’t be bringing her the yellow roses she loved so much.  I won’t take her to Mimi’s.  I won’t be standing in the card aisle at Hallmark, reading pretty much every card to make sure it said just the right thing.

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You would think it would get easier.  After all I am a Mom too, and I have my kids to talk to, and now I have grandmuffin Wally.  It’s wonderful being a Mother.  I think because I am a Mom myself, I can’t fathom leaving my kids, and she had to leave me.  Even though my children have grown up and left the nest, they haven’t left my heart.  I sleep better on any night I have one of them under my roof.  I love everything about them.  Their laughs, their smells (well, most of those); everything.

So Mom is up there, under a different roof, but I bet she can hear my laughter and sometimes, I smell her perfume.   Prince Matchabelli Windsong.  I can picture her holding my hand.  My Mom had the most beautiful hands with long delicate fingers.  When I was a kid I would just stare at her wedding ring and think what pretty hands she had.  The same hands she held me with every year of my life.

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So here I go again.  I tell myself I am not going to be sad, and invariably, the grief returns. The selfish, selfish grief.  Onto paper it pours along with tears down my face, and here it will stay.  It makes no sense to wish her back here.  After all, here was painful. Right?  Yeah, it was.  So on this Mother’s Day, I will choose to immerse myself in the greatness of being a Mom myself.  It is the greatest gift.  EVER.  Mom would like that. She raised three strong women and if she could tell me, she would say, “Diana, knock it off!”.  Ok Mom, Ok!   I will.   I love you, Mama.

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About Diana F

California girl who never imagines she would decide to start her life all over again at this stage of her life but I just know it's going to be epic.
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