The husband is working late tonight. This afternoon, his words to me as he was heading to work were, “I love you. I will see you tonight. Enjoy your time alone.” Woohoo!!!!
I should be jumping up and down. My time alone!!! Hmmm, ok. Growing up in a house with older parents, with all of my siblings grown and gone, I spent an inordinate amount of time in my room. I listened to a lot of music. I read. I swam in the solitude of not hearing them watching a baseball game, or the news. The sound of my Dad’s Zippo lighter as he lit his umpteenth cigarette. My Mom in the kitchen, making him popcorn. The time in my room protected my sanity. Teenage girls usually do not find it fun to sit and watch 60 Minutes with their parents.
As time went on, my “Me” time became a must. Drives to the beach, walks around the lake, and road trips carried me away to myself. I lost her. It was all my fault. I had convinced myself that what everyone else wanted was way more important that the things in life that nourished my own soul. I let myself leave, and I kept taking myself away thinking that would make it alright. It generally didn’t. Sure, it is good to go to places where no one knows you. Even now, I find I am more myself when we go on vacation than I am at any other time. There is nothing that says, “Behave this way because I am your parent. I am your child. I am your boss. I am in love with you…..as long as you like what I like, or do what I say, or don’t laugh at that joke. ”
What was it that I wanted? I mean, REALLY wanted? I didn’t know. I had spent most of my life ignoring it. Why do we do that? It’s insane. There is no one like us. No one. That’s for a reason. The worst thing we can do is exist within an unauthentic life for ourselves. We are all worthy of a brilliant destiny. We let other people convince us that our needs are not important, and we listen. We hear it so much that we start to believe it.
That’s what I did. I took myself out of the game. I walked away and moved myself closer to where I could breathe without feeling like it was forced. Slowly, I peeled back the layers of my spirit. It is incredibly difficult to stare at yourself in the mirror and admit some things to yourself. Sleep wasn’t my friend. I had all the “Me” time I could handle, and I got very upset with myself for allowing others who do not have to suffer the consequences of my choices to have so much control over my life story.
And then it happened. There I was, and I didn’t need my parents or a relationship to be happy. Happy HAPPENED. I went to the beach. I played on the swings. I hiked hills and lagoons and down long stretches of sand. I bought my own dishes. I ate when I wanted, and I slept in the middle of my bed. You know what else happened while I was busy being happy alone? I stopped being alone. 🙂
So now here I am in Phoenix, Arizona. I am sitting in our rented house that I absolutely adore, and I get to have time alone. I took a hot bath. I get to sit at the computer and write my silly little thoughts. As wonderful as all of that is, I find that I don’t need my alone time like I used to need it. I love the time to write, but I don’t feel stifled by my own life. I am free to enjoy these moments without guilt, but I would trade it all in a heartbeat for Rick to be here at home with me. You know what’s cool? It’s ok to snort when I laugh, which I do quite a bit. It’s ok to cry at every touching thing I see or hear. We buy lots of Kleenex and he stopped being surprised. It’s ok that I help other people when I am able without being made to feel guilty for caring. He tells me that is one of the things he loves about me; how kind I am to others. It’s ok to have messy hair. It’s ok to skip shaving my legs for a few days. It’s all ok because I am enough and I don’t feel like I missing something, at all, anymore.
So hurry on home, Hubs. I will be waiting up for you because this “Me” time isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not when I could be with you having “We” time. 😉